His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts

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Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior. Romantic movies, cultural events, going out for lunch and dinner, dancing, shopping, sightseeing, exercising, enjoying nature. I gave this book five stars not because it's perfect, but because it has some great solid advice that I believe has put not just my marriage but my worldview on the right trajectory. My husband and I read it before we got married, and I recommend any prospective spouses who are interested in this book to read it too. Other than 15 hours for undivided attention to the wife, you have to budget additional 15 hours per week to a quality family time.*(Consider your total time each week. You have 168 hours (24 hours a day, 7 days a week). For 8 hours of sleep each night (don’t risk your health), take 56 hours away, leaving 112 hours. If you estimate the time it takes to get ready for work in the morning and ready for bed at night to take another 12 hours, that leaves 100 hours. Your job, including getting there and returning home again, should not take more than 50 hours a week (if you work more than that, you cannot achieve your most important objectives in life).

Dozens of creative and inexpensive date ideas specifically for celebrating the season, birthdays, anniversaries, vacation dates and other special occasions! The author suggests that women prioritize the need for a good father. It’s simple math, be a present father, show concern for your children’s lives. She needs you to help her parent the children. On the same note, women need to support their husbands when parenting and not criticize their methods. Most of us spend more time with the children than the husband, therefore we can direct him here and there when the need comes but at the same time, we need to let them father the kids in their own way. Remember your family is a team. The Final Chapters: Emotional Needs Questionnaire Ans: Communication is one of the biggest challenges that couples face when trying to create a fulfilling relationship. Often, one person may be speaking without really listening to their partner, or they may focus on their own needs instead of those of their partner. This can lead to conflict and frustration on both sides. Affection - Men should learn to be more affectionate. (Eggerichs would just focus on #5 above and #1 here).

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In a relationship, it is important to understand and meet the person’s needs. However, this can be difficult to do when one needs clashes with the other. By understanding the difference between His and Her Needs, you can develop a strategy that meets both of your needs while still satisfying the other person. Do you have any questions or comments about this blog post? We would love to hear from you. Frequently Asked Questions: You have to start family time from the start, not in the teen years; otherwise they may not agree at all to such an arrangement. Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples. I know most people take this point with some saltiness, but it contains a lot of truth. Most men I know are physical. We can complain all we want about it, but it’s better to control what we can. Physical appearance matters, but it’s not just about looks. Dress nicely, stay healthy, and take care of yourself. Your husband is not shallow for wanting you to look good, just like you are not shallow for wanting your husband to provide for you financially. Taking care of yourself shows you care about your partner’s attraction to you. 7. The Need For Financial Support

I really cannot guess why anyone would give this book less than 5 stars. Except perhaps that they or their partner did not follow its guidance. Or their marriage failed anyway. Harley also makes it clear that once a marriage is affected by an affair, it is incredibly difficult to fix. In his words “some couples succeed, many do not”. Learn how to punish properly, teach by example and values. (no grounding or depriving of basic rights) Harley is no nonsense to the point of being clinical, and yet is down to earth and even friendly in tone. His basic premise - from YEARS of experience as a professional psychologist and marriage counselor - is this: men and women (humans) have feelings of "love" towards those people who they have positive experiences with. People marry each other because they have such positive mutual experiences and love feelings. The problem is that they take their relationships for granted and stop doing the things they did when they were dating. This means they neglect important emotional needs in their spouse such as: quality conversation, quality sex, affectionate behavior, bonding together in fun activities and so on.

Summary of His Needs, Her Needs

Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so they will do a good job training the children. They discuss training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval and recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her. Sneak peek: Men's needs are "Sexual fulfillment," "recreational companionship," "physical attractiveness," "domestic support," and "admiration." Domestic support- The wife should not pursue a career, and if she does work household chores should be divided according to the needs of the husband. Harley had a good point here about making a list of everything that needed to be done in the house and having each partner put priorities on the item. Whoever ranks something with the highest priority gets to be responsible for that chore. Family commitment - Fathers should be dads, otherwise women will have affairs with other men who will raise their children better-- including relatives of the biological father. Harley writes that there should be 15 hours together with the children (is that added to the 15 hours of undivided attention for the spouse as well, or do parents get out of that?).

Women usually want a choice between following a career and being a homemaker — possibly they want a combination of the two. Recreational companionship. She develops an interest in the recreational activities he likes most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can do together. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation. In a relationship, each person has a unique set of needs that must consider. His needs may be different from her needs, and vice versa. His Needs

Learn how to reach agreement with your wife regarding the rules expected to follow and how to discipline. Otherwise the children learn to divide and makes a deal with one parent. Both mom and dad should consult in private and give an agreed-on answer. Over this book I would recommend Arterburn's Seven Minute Marriage Solution, Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect, and many more. Priority 2: INTIMATE CONVERSATION (enjoys talking, its not what they talk about is important, it’s that they talk, the more intimate the better) Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she has come to know better than anyone else. If you plan on reading this book, start now! I put it off for a couple years because I have SO many books on my shelf, but it was really, really helpful. You can definitely start implementing the books suggestions/activities immediately.